Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to Trump Tower Damascus a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."